... And once the storm is over, I won't remember how I made it through, how I managed to survive. I won't even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When I come out of the storm, I won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about...

I'm in the biggest breakdown of my life and I stop crying to let the words of my epiphany really sink in. That whore situation has finally made her way around, and just bitch-slapped me right across the face. The realization only makes me cry harder.

Jealousy is the pain I feel from the apprehension that I'm not equally beloved by the person whom I entirely love.

My only thought was of getting away, as if I was carrying a live grenade from inside the house, so that when it exploded, it would destroy just myself...

There are times, I look at my scars and see something else: a girl who was trying to cope with something horrible that she should never have had to live through at all. My scars show pain and suffering, but they also show my will to survive. They're part of my history that will always be there.

I don't even ask for happiness, JUST a little less pain.

So as I sit here thinking and pondering, I ask myself questions of why I'm wondering about myself and others, why? When I get afraid I hide under the covers, everything safe and everything will be okay, but the covers can't cover my emotions. They just take notations of my mistakes. I can't escape, for this is my fate. I pull off the covers and the rain has slowed to a sprinkle. It can't be this simple, to live and die? No it can't be. There has to be some other purpose, I may not find mine but I will just rehearse and hope someone will fill my part, and look into my heart, they'll tell me of my mistakes and try to correct them.

Al final de este viaje en la vida quedaran
nuestros cuerpos tendidos al sol,
como sabanas blancas despues del amor.
-Silvio Rodriguez, Al Final De Este Viaje

It's a lyric from one of my very favorite albums - Al Final de Este Viaje by Cuban singer/songwriter Silvio Rodriguez. Anyway, it's just a great line.

At the end of this life's journey
our bodies will be left stained by the sun
like white sheets after love...

There is nothing in life guaranteed.
If we follow the cycle of it all, things that begin
Will certainly end
The flower that is planted in a garden
The tree that stands atop a hill
Even someone's favorite show
Death lingers for nearly everything in existence
Nearly
There are exceptions
A name
Written words.
Poetry
Love.
These are things that can stand the test of time.
Passion
Patience
Acceptance
These can easily compliment such components
We are also capable of destroying these
For others and ourselves.
Nearly
When we entrust such fragile concepts
To be held by the person we hold dear
Their responsibility increases with every move
From that point
My heart has been heavy
I am filled with love
I have had my idea of relationship
Buried alive
Nearly
I know I am capable of love
I know I am worthy of being loved
Nearly
It was about three years since we met
It has been about two years since I found happiness
The time in between I have cherished
Every moment
Every touch
Every kiss
I never want this to die
Nearly
The flower can survive when we strengthen the roots
The same goes for the tree
And the show we love, can live on through DVD
Death can linger for everything
But life is available right now
Life with you is what I was made for
It is why we met
Nearly
Three years ago...

It is a poison,

Spreading through the veins, crippling the senses, murdering the heart, finding hilarity in the destruction it is causing.

It brings out the best in me.
It lets out the worst in me.

Love.

You see the images on the internet, you watch the angst-driven television shows, you see the movies, you hear the stories, and somewhere along the line you start building up this ideal in your head

on

what love will look like, what love will feel like

on

what love will be and sometimes you hold out for that and sometimes you don't, but all along there is a burning desire inside of you that tells you that what you have doesn't measure up.

And during the fights, during the screaming, and the yelling, during the throwing of your cherished objects, I disappear in to the dark abyss because this, this love, is nothing like it was supposed to be.

Defenses rise, and you forget why you are doing this, why you are still together, and you realize that a knife in the chest would be such sweet relief.

You say horrible evil things and you do disgusting and vulgar things and you justify them because you are hurting because you are being hurt and because you believe you are alone.

The slow burn of love chars the flesh, soaks the heart in gasoline and lights a match. It is not what it was said to be, and nothing about it - about love - is effortless. It is the constant pushing and fighting and coming to grips with the fact that you must surrender, always living with the burn, from this day forward.

Why?
Because he made promises.
Why?
Because, he loves her.
Why?
Because you know, somewhere, somewhere so deep down, that this is what it is supposed to be...

Is it worth the pain?

I wonder how I can remain with faith while everything around us is crumbling. I admit magic is hard to believe in. Why can't love be enough to fix wounds? I love you with all my soul and yet we still suffer. I curse the heavens and reject the blessed, and yet somehow I still cannot let them go. I speak to them on the bathroom floor and wait for them to use a miracle to fix me. I don't ask you to believe in my words or to trust in something that has failed you. I only ask that you look up to the stars and at the very least let their glow fall upon you, while you rest that rushing heart and know that you are loved.

Pain demands to be felt.
We try to ignore it. Some put ear buds in and run as fast as we can. Some immerse themselves in family and activities. Some soothe it with food. Some with drinks. Some in the arms of others. Trying to forget pain gnawing at them. Trying to push it into a deep place where it won't be felt. Trying to numb it. But like inflatables you can't sink in a pool, no matter how long you try to hold it down, pain will pop right back up. With a splash.

Pain demands to be felt.
So we must feel it. We must confront it, embrace it, and deal with it. Because ignoring it only puts off the inevitable, and destroys us in the process.

When my daughter tells me a secret her hands get very busy. She takes my arm, grabs me by my blouse, pulls me close, pulls me into her life. She knows how intimate secrets are. She likes to tell me things before she goes to sleep. Secrets are an exalted state, almost a dream state. They are a way of arresting motion, stopping the world so we can see ourselves in it. My daughter is generous with secrets. I wish she weren't, frankly. Don't secrets sustain her, keep her separate, make her self-aware? How can she know who she is if she gives away her secrets?

I like the dark part of the night, after midnight and before four-thirty, when it's hollow, when ceilings are harder and farther away. Then I can breathe, and can think while others are sleeping, in a way can stop time, can have it so - this has always been my dream - so that while everyone else is frozen, I can work busily about them, doing whatever it is that needs to be done, like the elves who make the shoes while children sleep.

What does it take to live a good life? Why's happiness so elusive?
- an extract from a text I've received today

Another question I've no answers for.

I've found out there are situations I can't tolerate or change, and won't allow myself to be changed to adapt to them in return. I've found out more and more I can let go of security and explore the unknown.

I realized...

... that freedom from the past, or anything else for that matter, always comes in the very instant I stop thinking about it.

At the end, when logic fails, emotions can carry you a long way.

My heart tells me I'm doing the right thing but still I can't sleep properly the past few days. It's never easy to leave one's safety zone.

I know what I have given you. I do not know what you have received.

Goodbye. You're supposed to know how to say goodbye. You don't stand at the glass windows at the departure lounge waiting long after the plane has flown off. You don't wait for the plane to come back because even when it does, it won't have the same passengers.
Move. Step on the escalator and let it whisk you off if you can't make yourself way away. Why is all that luggage lying around here instead of loaded onto the plane? It's not yours to keep. Everyday people say goodbye. What's so special about you?

Goodbye. Repeat after me. Good bye.

He was the most forgiving man that I knew. He was always kind and good natured, right up to his illness and death. And he was amazingly tolerant, to the point where others would take advantage of him. He could tell, but it's just that it took so much more emotional strength to be kind and see the good in other people again and again, when it was so much easier to cave in and be cynical... and he chose the more difficult path. He had emotional integrity.

I want to strive to be the same, but often I fail. I've become more of an emotional retard by comparison, and I fail again. I get overwhelmed and I react.

I failed him again today.
Sorry.

The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one.

Jonathan Franzen wrote that when he revisited his hometown, he was invited by the current owners of his old family house to go in for a look. He refused politely but firmly. He made himself a promise that he would never step in because then he would never have to leave it again. Strange but I guess I knew what he meant.

I'm now FUBAR (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition) but very happy now. The time for reckoning will come but I'm going to enjoy the present moment.

I won't learn my lesson unless it gives me a scar.

"I used to think death might be hidden somewhere on our bodies. Tucked behind the pupil like a coin, slid beneath the thumbnail, ribbon-wrapped around a wrist bone. A sharp, dark sliver; a loose, a pale pellet. Each person different. Each lifespan set. On the day of your death, it melts out through your entire body, a warm, broken bath bead. Until then, it waits - sealed and silent. If you knew where to look, you could find it, resting in the curve of your ear, waiting patiently for its right day."

-Aimee Bender, An Invisible sign of my Own

She told me

... you don't love me over a cup of coffee and I just had to look away. A million miles between us planets crash into dust. I just let it fade away.
So no, of course, we can't be friends. Not while I still feel like this. I guess I always knew the end. This is how our story ends. It took a cup of coffee to prove that you don't love me.

I can spend...

... minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing this situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or I can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the f.. on.

Dear K,

I love you. It's my own fault. Right now I have that whimpering lip thing going on and all I could wish for is to have you by my side.
K...., I have to get out of here alive. I thought I was fine, but this morning I've been buried. All the romanticism and emotions I feel for you are being sealed in an air tight bottle. If I throw it into the ocean maybe one day you'll find it and realize how deeply I cared for you. We might not have been bonded and obligated but I thought we were most definitely at the level where the truth is always told. Yeah, they say I'm naive. But I thought I was romantic. I'll repeat, I thought I was romantic. And upon finding out that I'm always wrong about the things that matter most. Oh, can I tell you how much that kills a soul?

Something a friend said today..

... struck me. He said he felt like a leaf being blown any which way and ending up wherever he was, rather than having made any conscious attempt to take charge. He could tell I was like that too from my texts. And I must admit I am. I'm letting this situation rule my life more than I should, and I'm not doing so because I'm weak. I'm just... not thinking with my head. Life today is similar to life last year and the year before, give or take some variations. It won't change much next year either.

I guess I feel emptied out.
Or rather, i yearn to burn.

Anyone who is my friend

... knows about my love affair with clouds. Few things in nature fascinate me the way that clouds do. They are Mother Nature's very own Rorschach test. If you and a friend are looking at a cloud formation, chances are you'll both see something completely different. In this respect, clouds are the most subjective thing in nature.
Another amazing thing about clouds is the fact that they are ever-changing... literally every second. A cloud formation at any given moment in time is unique to that moment and that moment alone. I mean how romantic a notion is that?

The problem is...

... I don't know how to be indifferent. I can't master this. And it makes me susceptible to pain. In other words it hurts.

"Love of..

... colour, sound and words
Is it a blessing or a curse?"
-Laura Veirs, Carbon Glacier

I was told before that my obsessive interests won't help me get along with the rest of the world. But what you didn't understand was this has nothing to do with the rest of the world. I have no choice, this is the only way I can function. There are the things that hold me close. These are the loves that keep me safe.

Maybe you are right

... Maybe I'm still fucked up but am in denial over it. Life for me has simply been whittled down. A night out, a movie, interesting conversations with friends, a book, running to music, decent sleep. I don't ask for or expect anything else. Not anymore...

Sweet...

... and unexpected surprise this morning. Thanks K!

I learned to give,

.. not because I have much, but because I know exactly how it feels to have nothing.

We spoke last night...

... these were your words:
"Make sure you are not falling in love with the POTENTIAL of someone. You must know the difference between loving people for who they already are vs. loving the idea of what they COULD be. Make sure you are loving him for who he is today. His potential should be the icing... not the cake."

You always bring me down to earth, EJ. Just want you to know that.

"There are times...

...when we must sink to the bottom of our misery to understand truth, just as we must descend to the bottom of a well to see the stars in broad daylight."
-Vaclav Havel

But...

... I'm still no better at distancing myself from what I want, what I'd like, what I'd expect. I still hope for things that don't happen. I still expect gestures which never happen, words which remain unsaid. I still get hurt.

Don't fall in love....

.... whatever you do. Don't let it gnaw at you until you feel like your chest has been turned inside out. Don't let anyone tunnel inside your mind and infest your thoughts. Don't let your heart rise at the memory, stomach rumble plaintively leaving you unable to tell the sensations apart. Don't do it. Don't fall in love. It all disappears. It will leave you worse than a hangover, more angry than a bruise, more aching and fragile than a fallen leaf.

I didn't see it ...

... coming. Or maybe I did, and I squeezed my eyes shut like I do in horror films, so that I could open them again when I guess the moment has passed. I hope everything is still the same, or at least normal.

"Faith is not...

... the clinging to a shrine but an endless pilgrimage of the heart. Audacious longing, burning songs, daring thoughts, an impulse overwhelming the heart, usurping the mind - these are all a drive toward [loving the One] who rings our heart like a bell."
-Abraham Heschel

Something my friend Pam sent me. Beautiful isn't it?

My girlfriends and I...

... are to an extent, creatures of habit. Pam and I have our monthly gathering at the French Connection to eat dessert and read women's magazines. Natalia and I eat sushi most of the time we meet, and I often order the same food and drinks at the usual dining spots. Routine does comfort me more than spontaneity nowadays.

Matthew asked...

... if I was unusually happy today. I replied no, why? And he replied that it's the first time I've texted him in months.... I need to remember that being busy is no excuse.

We are not in the best shape...

... now, but things can be much worse. There's too much to do in too little time. I don't have time to be unhappy. Even if that's my stoic logical self taking control, it does tide me through the days. I'm the only who who can make me happy so I better not fuck up.

A friend told me...

... that she met her ex for dinner, and I asked her how he is. She replied that he's happily engaged now, and looked straight into my eyes. We didn't say anything, but her sad eyes spoke volumes. They told me that she loved him so much she wished she could have been someone else for him. And I understood, because I had been there too. But it was beyond us to be someone else.

I wanted to tell her: Look, isn't it funny? When I broke up, I kept repeating to myself the phrase "He and I are not in love" so I could drum the breakup into my head, so I could acknowledge its truth. Then after a while, that phrase became an involuntary mantra, an odd statement that popped up out of nowhere all the time even though it means nothing now. The sentence just became part of me, and it belongs to me as much as my hair or my nose does.

We are not bitter. We were only being ourselves. But I didn't breathe a word and the moment passed.

I accompanied....

... a girlfriend to go shopping last night. She was running errands for her busy husband and buying stuff for him. Out of the blue, she turned and told me she remembered one time when I was running errands for my ex too. She said she remembered me searching for a special kind of golf club for him, and that I got agitated when it couldn't be found.... BUT I can't remember any of it. I was criminally ruthless about forgetting him when we broke up. I am aware of my notoriously great memory, but I have systematically removed every trace of him... contact details, birthdate, photos. And after all this time, nothing has remained. In the end, she offered me an old memory which I've completely erased.

Was I bitter?....

.... Absolutely. Hurt? You bet your sweet ass I was hurt. Who doesn't feel a part of their heart break knowing he loves someone else. You ask yourself every question you can think of, what, why, how come, and then your sadness turns to anger. that's my favorite part. It drives me, feeds me, and makes one hell of a story.

... There are

the things I know I know. There are the things I know I don't know. And then there are the things I don't know I don't know. Case in point: My dreams, how they're going to come true, and the inevitability of my eternal joy.

... For times

when the world seems to spin too fast, or when my dreams seem to turn slightly pale... switch tracks, give myself a rest, and dwell upon the fact that I'm still part of a greater dream. My own. And I couldn't be happier with the progress I'm making.

... If I knew

how each little, fluffy thought or daydream of mine was tied to the huge, pivotal events of my life, I'd never again consider any of my thoughts little or fluffy. Radical, huh?

... Got

any good ideas for this week? I'm thinking that anything can happen... But, then, of course, it's not about what I think.

... To be loved

like I've never been loved, I must love like I've never loved. Sounds pretty easy.

... Expecting

and preparing for their very best behavior - in terms of respect, love, kindness, and wing-a-ding-dong - guarantees nothing. But it does maximize my chances of getting it. And if I don't insist that such behavior come from a specific person, my hands will be free to find me what I prepared for, or better. 

... Avoiding

something, draws it ever near. Defending myself, can become a full time job. And worrying about things that might never happen, increases their chances of happening.
Yet still, I'm 10,000 times more likely to laugh than cry, be healthy than sick, live rich than poor, have friends than be alone.
That's the kind of momentum I've garnered through countless lives of love; that's the kind of power I long ago learned to master, and, quite frankly, those were the odds I negotiated. You're just another part of me.

... Possessing

the audacity to do the mundane, while expecting miracles to come from it, explains every heroic and supernatural feat known to humankind. Audaciously.

... Struggling,

trying to physically manipulate the circumstances of one's life, reveals a misunderstanding of how those circumstances were actually created. And for the focus placed on them during the struggle, it actually serves to keep things from changing.
Acceptance, on the other hand, reveals an understanding that today's circumstances arose from yesterday's focus, encouraging introspection and fueling new thought, actually serving to hasten change.

... I'm trying

to find good things in my life, silver linings among the clouds. There are times in my life when I see the sky as blue, and others when I see it as only the ominous gray before the storm, even if it’s not yet raining on me.

... When these days

are gone, when all the love we gave to each other slowly fades away, when your beautiful smile is only here as a dream,and when the words "I love you" are scripts of the past, I will always have the memories that were once moments and I will always know that no matter what, I got the chance to be loved by you.

... Sometimes

I see myself fine.
Sometimes I need a witness
And I like the whole truth
But there are nights I only need forgiveness
And they say, ‘I don’t know who you are, but let me walk with you some.’
And I say, ‘I am alone. You can’t save me from all the wrong I’ve done.’
But they’re waiting just the same, with their flashlights and their semaphores,
And I act like I have faith, and like that faith never ends,
But I really just have friends.

... Accidents,

coincidences, and serendipities don't create dreams. My dreams create them. Dream away.

... It was almost a year

before she called him up.
Three rings and an answering machine is what she got.
If you’re callin’ ’bout the car I sold it,
If this is Tuesday night I’m bowling.
If you’ve got somethin’ to sell, you’re wastin’ your time, I’m not buyin’.
If it’s anybody else, wait for the tone,
You know what to do.
And P.S. if this is xx., I still love you.

The telephone fell to the counter.
She heard but she couldn’t believe.
What kind of man would hang on that long?
What kind of love that must be?

... There's a name

for the magic, that transforms lives, connects dots, moves mountains, and orchestrates coincidences that shock and astound... Imagination.
And there's a name for all that stops me in my tracks, stirs fear, spins wheels, and leaves me wondering, "Hey, what's up with that?"... Imagination.

... I could pray

for 1,000 nights, visualize for 1,000 days, and give thanks for 1,000 things, but it's when I physically prepare the way - no matter how silly, tiny or futile my efforts may seem - that 1,000 miracles will transform me.

... The great thing

about change, is that it absolutely, positively, always means things are going to get even better. Even when I don't know how.

... I called a friend

yesterday because I felt miserable all of a sudden. For no reason at all. He was busy so he said he would call me back. I txt'd back to tell him not to, that the moment would pass. He called me right back and asked me what's wrong. I couldn't say anything except repeat that NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING is wrong. He didn't believe me and I told him I couldn't talk. So he asked me to call him back when I could talk ok? But I didn't, because I didn't know how to put it. Now I thought of what I wanted to tell you. I wanted to say at that moment, that I'm afraid I'm incapable of being in love.

.... I asked you

for the details of the dream which made you fearful because I knew you must have remembered. You skirted around the issue and replied that some things should be left untold. And then you said you look forward to going back and I acted normal pretty well. I knew this all along and it is what you have to do, but it doesn't mean it hurt less. And then I wondered what I did in your dream.

... You texted me

that you dreamt of me yesterday. Though you couldn't remember the details, you woke up fearful. My first instinct was that you woke up fearful of me, than for me. I texted you back that you were scaring me, and you replied that you were fearful of losing me. And that was the nicest text I've gotten today, and for quite a while actually.

... I'm alright

with the concept of Karma as it's generally understood, kind-of, sort-of. The idea of spiritual contracts is pretty nifty, too. I've always been a wheeler-dealer. Except, of course, if either were laws, I wouldn't be unlimited. Not even a little. Oh well, they were cute ideas for awhile.

... Oh sure,

telepathy becomes second nature, levitation becomes child's play, manifestations are a breeze, and friends instantly recognize each other in spite of the millenniums that had briefly kept them apart. But do you know what's missed, by those who move beyond time and space? Yeah, pretty much everything.

.. What strikes

me as odd is not that everything is falling apart, but that so much continues to be there. It takes a long time for a world to vanish, much longer than you would think. Lives continue to be lived, and each one of us remains the witness of his own little drama. It's true that there are no schools anymore; it's true that the last movie was shown over five years ago; it's true that wine is so scarce now that only the rich can afford it. But is that what we mean by life? Let everything fall away, and then let's see what there is. Perhaps that is the most interesting question of all: to see what happens when there is nothing, and whether or not we will survive that too.

... Every day

is a good day, to do something I've never done before. Especially when I dream of living, like I've never lived before. Prepare thy way.

... It's no accident

that when you look closely into the eyes of another, the very first thing you see, is yourself. That when you hold their hand, you can feel your own warmth. And that when you give of yourself, you give to yourself. Because, quite simply, both you, and they, are HIM.

... A reassuring glance,

to an unsuspecting stranger across a room, down a hallway, or through a windshield, can literally change the world, forever. Even though it was pretty cool to begin with.

.... Not everyone's

ready to open the throttle up all the way. Put the pedal to the metal. Skinny-dip into the sea of infinite possibilities. And that's perfectly all right. Because there's nothing I'm "supposed" to be doing with my life. No one is judged based upon how much turf they cover, how many mountains they climb, or how many deals they close. And because even one small drop from the sea, is as infinite as all of the oceans combined. Whatever my heart desires.

... It seemed like

a good idea at the time, but who would have ever thought that the physical senses would be used to draw conclusions about where I'm headed, instead of simply taking notice of where I've been? Nope. The illusions that surround me today, have absolutely no relation to the illusions that will surround me tomorrow. Which barely hints at how unlimited I truly am. Yeah, way cool.

.... This is just

my friendly, annual reminder, that things can change so very, very fast. Passport up to date? Shot card? Bank deposit slips in my possession at all times? I'm gonna love 2007

.... Haven't all the years,

I've spent being Santa Claus, been more fun than all the years I spent waiting for Santa Claus? And not just for the joy I've helped place on my favorite faces, but for my ability to act instead of wait. Acting makes the suspense bearable. It gives me a starring role. Time passes more quickly. And best of all, it makes possible the dance of life as I network and mingle with other dancers. It's the same for my dreams. Act, don't wait.

.... Anger,

is a fabulous reminder that there are still a few things being misunderstood. In all cases.

... Question

Would you rather be a unicorn or a pegasus?
I'd rather fly than be stuck on the ground.

.... Had a conversation

with Stephan about how it's getting harder to like new music, new films, new anything. But then I thought that life is a balance of likes and dislikes, meaning that if we start to find we like some things less, somewhere else there are other things we'll like more. It's just that we have to go find them, but that'll probably be part of the fun. I really hope it's that simple.

... I operate like

an elevator most of the time, and respond pretty well to the drudgery of repetitive requests summoning me up or down. But sometimes there are people who know how to push my button, the fire-hydrant red one tucked out of the way. They press it just to hear the alarm and maybe bring me to a jarring halt. Normally I'll bite my lip and let it slide, but you surprised me yesterday.When my alarm button was pushed, you were the building superintendent barking into his microphone that's broadcasting to the whole lift. You warned off the alarm-raiser. And I didn't sound any bells. I didn't stop. Thank you.

.... Always in love

with the mystical past----hazy childhood recollections---memories of my town, against a background of golden, grassy, oak-dotted hills. The wind blowing through a coastal canyon, collecting the tangy fragrance of sage and chaparral, the crush of dry leaves in a creekbed---ancient caves in the hills, fern grottoes, the very ancient aroma of time itself.

.... I went over

to watch you pack your luggage. You warned me that I'd have a heart attack watching you because you only pack last minute (in fact, you packed right up to when Tiffany arrived). I helped you fold shirts and water plants, while you flitted around packing excitedly (not frantically; there was a heady delirium in the way you packed which was contagious). It'll be two and a half years till we meet again, and this'll be the longest time we're separated since we've met. I kept naming things you should pack to remind you (and yet we missed out something). Still, I was astonished that your check-in luggage weighed in over 23kg. I accompanied you to the airport. It was the first of 5 times I'll be passing through the airport this month, and next week it'll be Crystal's turn to fly. On the way to the airport, you noticed my right eye had streaked red, and emptied out your toiletry kit to hunt for eye drops (but you didn't find it). We bantered over where to go for dinner and I jokingly threatened to eat at Mac's. We settled on Popeyes later, and ended up with food stuck in our teeth.I felt so secure in your presence that I didn't cry when you finally left for your flight. Instead, I wandered around searching for the parking lot and it was a while before I realized I should go down to arrival terminal. Can't wait to see you again. Be happy. Be safe.

... They went

looking for me awhile back. They heard rumors I was headed out on my own. That I had returned to the jungles of time and space. That I wanted to prove once and for all that dreams do come true, thoughts become things, and that all is exactly as it should be. That the size of a dream has no bearing on its ability to come true. That abundance, health and harmony are one's default settings, and their attainment comes effortlessly when I invite them into my life with demonstrated expectation. They wanted to tell me they already knew this.

.... Often,

simply showing up is enough. Because the friends, abundance and health I now dream of possessing, have long been in place. Because the coincidences, surprises, and serendipities that will transform my life, already lie in wait for my passing. And because little else could speak louder of my belief in success, than physically putting myself in a position to receive.

... Hold on

to the good memories. Live one day at a time. If you can see the sunset today, stand still for a few moments and behold its beauty. If you don't, then there will always be one tomorrow, or the day after. Even if it never comes before you breathe your last, there will always be that last sunset you watched to remind you of life's splendour.

.... I'm going to miss

the slow times and quiet days. My anonymity, stealth, and small circle of friends. Plodding along at my own pace, working in spurts, and wondering where my next break will come from. Even my uncertainties, doubts, and fears will be missed. It just works like that once massive dreams start coming true.

.... I cry.

I scream into pillows. I kick big rocks until I can't feel my toes. Then I try and understand. Which may or may not work... Finally I smile through the tears and remember all the amazingly beautiful moments and experiences and connections that were shared, and that will be shared on some level forever. And I think of that person fondly, knowing that while I grow apart, there was a time that we really DID know and understand each other. It gets easier with time - and that's the only way.

.... Sometimes

it's easy to forget, that everyone's just on their way home. That you're all truly the best of friends. And that this whole crazy thing kind of started as a dare - to see who might love the deepest, no matter how lost the others became. Gosh, how you're missed.

... It's

.... my birthday today. Halfway to ........ Will you still (half) need me? Will you still (half) feed me? Happy Birthday To Me!

.... I ask

for a sign, evidence that you stir within my soul, that you conspire tirelessly on my behalf, and that all is exactly as it should be. Do you think I mean besides simply being alive at all? 

.... What

I secretly find amusing is precision. I'm tickled by the fact that, no matter how often I buy bagels from a certain store and eat it as I walk along, I will always reach the same rubbish bin at the time I finish eating to throw away the wrapper. Or maybe I should find it disconcerting that I need to save time and eat as I walk.

.... Actually,

I find it sad that I tend to make short hit & run phone calls nowadays during lunchtime and while commuting to and from work. I hardly have time to communicate during work, so I need the short gaps inbetween to follow up with people. Sigh.

... I woke

this morning to find a message from you. Complete silence for over 3 months and then when I least expect it, a short message to warn me where you'll be tonight, in case I happen to be at the same place. And I thought ....oh how considerate, and promptly deleted the message. I won't be there actually, because I hadn't planned to go. You're still referred to as You in this blog because you're the most recent You. So if we need to name you by following Serguei's trend of naming people after the first movie he's seen with them, you'll be Far from Heaven for me. But it makes sense in a strange way since Icarus fell from the skies didn't he?So have fun tonight Icarus. I won't be seeing you.

.... I was

having coffee with Rachael when she started squinting at a sign in a shoe store just across from us. She read the words on it out loud.. "No food. No drinks. No pornography". Then I thought huh? and looked over at the sign too. I read: "No food. No drinks. No photography".So, yes, there is a limit to what lasik can do for your eyes ok?

.... Alex

.... just asked me if I wanted to eat mooncake with bread for breakfast, somewhat like a mooncake sandwich. This is the same quirky friend who enthusiastically suggested ice-cream sandwich for breakfast too. I'm starting to think that anything + bread will be approved by him, as if bread makes everything else ok.

..... Once

..... I've read in a women's magazine an article about breakups. An incident that struck me was about a girl who broke up with her DJ boyfriend. She wanted to cheer herself up by buying 10 CDs she liked, but she found herself walking around the CD shop clueless as to what kind of music she liked. She only knew what music her ex liked. Strangely, this story struck me as the ultimate horror story. I simply can't imagine losing my own identity to the extent of not knowing what music I like.

.... I love it

when people say hello - I love finding out about the people behind the monitors. You are more than the pixels on my screen. I was just saying to Ali that far from being a purely technological thing, I think the web is massively human and social - I mean that I see the web as being a construction of the spaces between people just as much as the spaces between nodes.

..... Learned

....a new word today: Diaspora. A dispersion of people from their original homeland.
****A word bound to many stories and heartbreak.

... Some people

...... amaze me with their appetites. Alex is forever telling me he's hungry and describing his meals. I don't understand why he doesn't balloon at the rate he eats. I'm so green with envy. 

..... Asked

Steve for last minute dinner and movies last night, and he actually made it. I'm glad because it's been a while since we went to the movies together. I remember back when the four of us (Steve, Chris, Cyrstal and I) used to watch 11am movies together on Sunday mornings, and somehow we stopped doing this after watching That Thing You Do. Told Steve I wish there's an indicator then to alert me that that would be the last movie we all saw together. He thought I was crazy and was tempted to organize a movie outing for us four again just to prove me wrong. That'd be nice. :)

.... Steve

told me I looked like I've lost the jackpot. I pretended to sleep in his car to and from lunch so I didn't need to make small talk.I jumped (something which I haven't done in months) but I couldn't concentrate. I keep calling friends to talk to them but when I'm in their company, my mind wanders.....I guess I'm not really ok huh.

.... I love

...... the way Italian sounds - like portuguese spoken with a wine filled sponge in your mouth. I have a friend who used to be able to turn me to jelly by just reading out his shopping list in a squelchy, soft Italian accent. He was well aware of the effect this had - and I was more than willing to allow him to continue. Now listening to a recording of an italian festival I went to in 1997 and itching to sing along.
My favorite is Trem das Onze, written in the “spaghetti style” by Adorian Barbosa - sends shivers up my spine….” Non posso essere più di un minuto senza voi, il mio amore, ma non può essere” (rough translation: “I can’t be more than a minute without you, my love, but it cannot be…”)

..... For just a moment

...... there, I thought that time was real, that space was deep, and that manipulating circumstances and messing with the "hows" was the way to manifest life changes!!
Talk about insanity! . . . Chaos! . . . Doom!
Whatever you do, on this spookiest day of the year and beyond, don't let it happen to you. Think, think, and let go.

.... Just past

....... midnight. I said you're the weirdest person I know and you said no! you know someone weirder, and whipped out your cell phone to call him. I squeaked that you can't call at this hour, but you just laughed and pressed your cell phone to my ear. I heard your friend's voice message: a fake indian accent imploring callers to leave their message. It was funny and we started giggling but hung up without leaving a word. And I thought you're never anything but spontaneous, and at that moment I envied you for that.

.... nearly a year ago,

.... two people were walking round a winding exhibition in a museum in New York. One of them stopped to read a poem on the wall, and liked it so much she keyed it into her cell phone to remember.

This is how the poem goes:

"Give me a sharp knife
and as I cut the stars
cover the sky with a grey cloth
and tell the flowers I do not want perfume"

She remembers hoping that she won't be this way, and that she'll always want perfume.

Shhh

These weeks are going to be quiet on the blogging front. Why? Because either a) I’ve lost the will to type b) I’ve got no hands or c) I’ve got too much to say. 

..... sometimes

..... I see traits in friends which I wish to inherit. If it boils down to one, I'll take Michael's rule of not wasting time. He doesn't believe in being wishy-washy or being bogged down by wishy-washy people. When people are conferring over making a decision, he'll gauge 3 lines into the conversation if it's going anywhere, and if it doesn't, he ends it. And everything moves swiftly on again.

.... there was only one

..... message on my cell phone this morning, from an unknown number, and it sounded suspiciously like Stephen Hawking, saying “Que pasa chica?” and, er, that’s it. I’m mystified. Who was it?

.... I was just looking

.... at a picture of a busy Rio de Janeiro street, and that got me thinking about Brasil. Just thinking about it, remembering the smells, the noise, the thin air and sharp sun, made my heart speed up, my knees give slightly, even sitting here in my desk chair. Lightheaded at the memory of being there.

..... a word

...... I like: bricolage.

Ooh, speaking of words, last night I was trying to figure out what the longest single-syllable word is. Why? Who knows. Just one of those little things you do (while having a coffee con leche break during the brilliant but epically long Until the End of the World) I eventually came up with “strengths”. If you can do better, tell me. It’s bugging me.

... I've got a worrying

.... habit of misreading things at the moment.
Reading an ad from a free rag that dropped through the door the other day, while the paper was upsidedown on the kitchen counter, it actually said
Get More Out Of Orlando
but I could have sworn it read
Get Out Of Orlando More
This morning, surfing a news site, I caught a glance of a headline which said
Banish Spam Forever
but I misread it as
Banish Sperm Forever

Is there a word for the art of misreading things?

..... I've been

.... a bit of a broken record the last few days with my friends - developing a new advice mantra, which basically consists of saying:
You have control over your own life. Don’t like your job? Quit. Hate your house? Move. Unhappy in your relationship? Get out. Tired of lusting after someone from afar? Do something about it. Need a a day off? Take one. Sick of not seeing your friends? Make the effort. Stop whining. Stop whining. Stop acting as if you are a victim of circumstance. Do something. Do something. You are in control. You have the power to change your life. Take some responsibility for yourself.
Well, whatever gets you through.

.... I'd like to recommend

..... instant beatification for the kind soul who gave the world Barnes & Noble. Hallelujah.

.... two things I want to do before I die

1. Return to Bolivia. It’s about confronting old demons. I went back once, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, though everything was still so fresh, it was hard to be conscious of what I was doing or why I was doing it. Six years down the line, now I’m ready to go back again.

2.Do everything I can to live the fullest and best life I can. Enjoy my friends. Stress less over work. Spend more time doing the things I enjoy. Stress less over everything. Fall in love, repeatedly, or just once. Kiss until my lips burn. Laugh until I can’t breathe. Make it impossible to look back from my deathbed and say “if only…”

... why do i write?

..... I write because I have to. I write because the words tumble up inside me like bubbles in a shaken bottle. I write because I can.

... had the most

....... bizarre dream, though I can’t remember what about, and woke up crying. Come to think about it, I’m glad I can’t remember, now.

... I DO know

...what to do when the rodeo of life throws me from my horse, and I find myself sitting in the dirt feeling lost and overwhelmed, distraught and helpless, while other thrown riders and do-gooders approach to commiserate. Get back in the saddle and ride on, as fast as I can.

.... I cannot imagine

...you in this, my world, now. Time has stolen you from me and you cannot belong. I set off this morning to walk in the rain and by the door suddenly, pulling on shoes, I forgot how to breathe. These simple rituals, involuntary survival; because; in spite; whichever. Lungs pump rhythmically, keeping time, for me, regardless, relentless, a clock.

.....someone just told me

....how nice my t-shirt is today, despite being soaking wet and so transparent. I’m not sure how to take this.

....weddings, wedding, weddings

….how come all my friends (well, those who aren’t gay, cynical or already otherwise commited) seem to be getting married these days?

.... God is alive and

well and definitely working in my life. He isn't drunk today like he was last Thursday.

.... There are indeed times

in every life, when one must simply lay low, hide out, and just chill. - and usually it's called sleep.

.... Isn't the greatest

of all my dreams, to be happy?

..... All I ever

have to do, to change absolutely everything, is think differently. But this I HAVE to do.

... tell me

...... can there really be any such thing as a mistake, when I'm only dreaming?

.... you so rock!!

I always knew I could count on you to uncover the truth, when others just played "follow the leader." I wasn't surprised at all to find you standing by your principles when the going got tough. And there was never any doubt in my mind that when faced with a fork in the road, you'd take the path less traveled. I just had no idea you'd have such expensive taste.

.... talk about multi-tasking

For every single time-space manifestation, from catching a cold to the accumulation of massive personal wealth, a shifting of props and persons must be choreographed with mind-boggling precision. Taking into account not only all of your other thoughts, beliefs and expectations as they change from moment to moment, but those of everyone else on the planet, so that not one of you, not one, is ever denied getting exactly what they think about.
And to answer the often unasked question, "Yes, you can still have it all, no matter what others in your life might THINK, S-A-Y or DO.

... Someone once

asked me- "If you had to choose between your friends or your family, who would you choose," I told them- "That's impossible for me to decide because my friends are my family and my family are my friends!" Everyone close to you in your life is important. You grow and learn from each and every person you interact with. Cherish that, never forget about it! People will come and go, situations change, but memories and experiences can last forever!