Do You Know What Tickles Me?

... There are

2007-04-15T19:35:00.000-05:00

the things I know I know. There are the things I know I don't know. And then there are the things I don't know I don't know. Case in point: My dreams, how they're going to come true, and the inevitability of my eternal joy.

... For times

2007-04-07T20:12:00.000-05:00

when the world seems to spin too fast, or when my dreams seem to turn slightly pale... switch tracks, give myself a rest, and dwell upon the fact that I'm still part of a greater dream. My own. And I couldn't be happier with the progress I'm making.

... If I knew

2007-04-07T00:00:00.000-05:00

how each little, fluffy thought or daydream of mine was tied to the huge, pivotal events of my life, I'd never again consider any of my thoughts little or fluffy. Radical, huh?

... Got

2007-04-05T21:03:00.000-05:00

any good ideas for this week? I'm thinking that anything can happen... But, then, of course, it's not about what I think.

... Struggling,

2007-04-04T21:59:00.000-05:00

trying to physically manipulate the circumstances of my life, reveals a misunderstanding of how those circumstances were actually created. And for the focus placed on them during the struggle, it actually serves to keep things from changing.
Acceptance, on the other hand, reveals an understanding that today's circumstances arose from yesterday's focus, encouraging introspection and fueling new thought, actually serving to hasten change. Yeah, almost sounds like an SAT question.

... To be loved

2007-04-03T23:10:00.000-05:00

like I've never been loved, I must love like I've never loved. Sounds pretty easy.

... Expecting

2007-04-02T23:50:00.000-05:00

and preparing for their very best behavior - in terms of respect, love, kindness, and wing-a-ding-dong - guarantees nothing. But it does maximize my chances of getting it. And if I don't insist that such behavior come from a specific person, my hands will be free to find me what I prepared for, or better. Wing-a-ding-dong.

... Avoiding

2007-04-01T20:42:00.000-05:00

something, draws it ever near. Defending myself, can become a full time job. And worrying about things that might never happen, increases their chances of happening.
Yet still, I'm 10,000 times more likely to laugh than cry, be healthy than sick, live rich than poor, have friends than be alone.
That's the kind of momentum I've garnered through countless lives of love; that's the kind of power I long ago learned to master, and, quite frankly, those were the odds I negotiated. You're just another part of me.

... Possessing

2007-03-30T00:10:00.000-05:00

the audacity to do the mundane, while expecting miracles to come from it, explains every heroic and supernatural feat known to humankind. Audaciously.

... Struggling,

2007-03-28T10:07:00.000-05:00

trying to physically manipulate the circumstances of one's life, reveals a misunderstanding of how those circumstances were actually created. And for the focus placed on them during the struggle, it actually serves to keep things from changing.
Acceptance, on the other hand, reveals an understanding that today's circumstances arose from yesterday's focus, encouraging introspection and fueling new thought, actually serving to hasten change.

... I'm trying

2007-03-27T23:12:00.000-05:00

to find good things in my life, silver linings among the clouds. There are times in my life when I see the sky as blue, and others when I see it as only the ominous gray before the storm, even if it’s not yet raining on me.

... When these days

2007-03-24T13:28:00.000-05:00

are gone, when all the love we gave to each other slowly fades away, when your beautiful smile is only here as a dream,and when the words "I love you" are scripts of the past, I will always have the memories that were once moments and I will always know that no matter what, I got the chance to be loved by you.

... I love him

2007-03-23T11:03:00.000-05:00

so much. And talk about him so much. And think about him so much. It's like he lives inside me. Like he is taken possession of my soul or something. And then one day...I'll get over him.

... I wanted

2007-03-22T23:37:00.000-05:00

a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

... Sometimes

2007-03-21T10:37:00.000-05:00

I see myself fine.
Sometimes I need a witness
And I like the whole truth
But there are nights I only need forgiveness
And they say, ‘I don’t know who you are, but let me walk with you some.’
And I say, ‘I am alone. You can’t save me from all the wrong I’ve done.’
But they’re waiting just the same, with their flashlights and their semaphores,
And I act like I have faith, and like that faith never ends,
But I really just have friends.

... Some wounds

2007-03-20T19:48:00.000-05:00

in hearts are shallow, some are deep. Some will hemorrhage if not well-cared for. Each wounded heart heals differently. Some scab over but heal nicely and months later the injury is only a distant memory. Some grow scar tissue so tough that nothing can penetrate them again. For some, the scab falls off too quickly, exposing raw skin that is not yet ready for the light of day. But even that new skin will toughen up and eventually blend in texture with that around it. And though it will certainly fade with time, it may always be a slightly different color, a reminder to the bearer that though it is time to move on, some healing is not perfect. Yet those who want to love us will love us despite our scars, and may even find us more beautiful for them.

... The first

2007-03-19T20:07:00.000-05:00

sight of him did something to me, twisted my heart round so that it almost hurt. Absurd that a man--an ordinary, yes, a perfectly ordinary man-- should be able to do that to me! That the mere look of him should set the world spinning, that his voice should make me want--just a little--to cry...love surely should be a pleasurable emotion, not one that hurts you with its intensity.

... I don't get

2007-03-19T00:01:00.000-05:00

to choose, I just fall in love. And I get this person who is all wrong and all right at the same time. And I know that I love him so much except sometimes he just drives me completely insane. And no one can explain it. And the reason its so confusing is because its love. But, if love didn't have challenges, what would be the point?

... Accidents,

2007-03-12T07:54:00.000-05:00

coincidences, and serendipities don't create dreams. My dreams create them. Dream away.

... It was almost a year

2007-03-11T22:07:00.000-05:00

before she called him up.
Three rings and an answering machine is what she got.
If you’re callin’ ’bout the car I sold it,
If this is Tuesday night I’m bowling.
If you’ve got somethin’ to sell, you’re wastin’ your time, I’m not buyin’.
If it’s anybody else, wait for the tone,
You know what to do.
And P.S. if this is xx., I still love you.

The telephone fell to the counter.
She heard but she couldn’t believe.
What kind of man would hang on that long?
What kind of love that must be?

... There's a name

2007-03-06T23:09:00.000-05:00

for the magic, that transforms lives, connects dots, moves mountains, and orchestrates coincidences that shock and astound... Imagination.
And there's a name for all that stops me in my tracks, stirs fear, spins wheels, and leaves me wondering, "Hey, what's up with that?"... Imagination.

... I could pray

2007-03-05T19:59:00.000-05:00

for 1,000 nights, visualize for 1,000 days, and give thanks for 1,000 things, but it's when I physically prepare the way - no matter how silly, tiny or futile my efforts may seem - that 1,000 miracles will transform me.

... The great thing

2007-02-26T20:55:00.000-05:00

about change, is that it absolutely, positively, always means things are going to get even better. Even when I don't know how.

... I called a friend

2007-02-25T14:53:00.000-05:00

yesterday because I felt miserable all of a sudden. For no reason at all. He was busy so he said he would call me back. I txt'd back to tell him not to, that the moment would pass. He called me right back and asked me what's wrong. I couldn't say anything except repeat that NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING is wrong. He didn't believe me and I told him I couldn't talk. So he asked me to call him back when I could talk ok? But I didn't, because I didn't know how to put it. Now I thought of what I wanted to tell you. I wanted to say at that moment, that I'm afraid I'm incapable of being in love.

... I don know how to put it.

2007-02-24T14:39:00.000-05:00

I don't believe cheating in relationships is wrong - anymore. I know it's strange coming from me. Not that I've cheated before and especially since somehow I've been the third party in a Love Bermuda Triangle. But I'm not a victim. When someone I love doesn't love me the same anymore, they should not be duty-bound to stay. 3 unhappy people instead of 1. Where's the logic in that? Everyone deserves the best for themselves. It's time to move on.

.... I asked you

2007-02-23T00:08:00.000-05:00

for the details of the dream which made you fearful because I knew you must have remembered. You skirted around the issue and replied that some things should be left untold. And then you said you look forward to going back and I acted normal pretty well. I knew this all along and it is what you have to do, but it doesn't mean it hurt less. And then I wondered what I did in your dream.

... You texted me

2007-02-21T23:23:00.000-05:00

that you dreamt of me yesterday. Though you couldn't remember the details, you woke up fearful. My first instinct was that you woke up fearful of me, than for me. I texted you back that you were scaring me, and you replied that you were fearful of losing me. And that was the nicest text I've gotten today, and for quite a while actually.

... I'm alright

2007-02-20T22:46:00.000-05:00

with the concept of Karma as it's generally understood, kind-of, sort-of. The idea of spiritual contracts is pretty nifty, too. I've always been a wheeler-dealer. Except, of course, if either were laws, I wouldn't be unlimited. Not even a little. Oh well, they were cute ideas for awhile.

... Oh sure,

2007-02-19T19:15:00.000-05:00

telepathy becomes second nature, levitation becomes child's play, manifestations are a breeze, and friends instantly recognize each other in spite of the millenniums that had briefly kept them apart. But do you know what's missed, by those who move beyond time and space? Yeah, pretty much everything.

... Frustrated

2007-02-19T01:08:00.000-05:00

by how things are going with RH. Swamped with work and tasks. Just called my best friend and broke down crying on the phone. I guess that surprised both of us since it's not like me. I must accept that whatever I do is not perfect but it is good enough. Thanks for reminding me.

.. What strikes

2007-02-17T18:23:00.000-05:00

me as odd is not that everything is falling apart, but that so much continues to be there. It takes a long time for a world to vanish, much longer than you would think. Lives continue to be lived, and each one of us remains the witness of his own little drama. It's true that there are no schools anymore; it's true that the last movie was shown over five years ago; it's true that wine is so scarce now that only the rich can afford it. But is that what we mean by life? Let everything fall away, and then let's see what there is. Perhaps that is the most interesting question of all: to see what happens when there is nothing, and whether or not we will survive that too.

.... Just act normal.

2007-02-16T11:33:00.000-05:00

If I let just anyone know about my awareness of the legions in the unseen doing my biding, or the population shifts now being sparked by my very words, or the circumstances and events presently being crafted by my thoughts, I just might create the illusion that I'm from a not-so-distant parallel star system, possessing mysterious powers, favored by fate, here to save the world. Just act normal.

... Every day

2007-02-14T23:02:00.000-05:00

is a good day, to do something I've never done before. Especially when I dream of living, like I've never lived before. Prepare thy way.

... It's no accident

2007-02-13T21:58:00.001-05:00

that when you look closely into the eyes of another, the very first thing you see, is yourself. That when you hold their hand, you can feel your own warmth. And that when you give of yourself, you give to yourself. Because, quite simply, both you, and they, are HIM.

... A reassuring glance,

2007-02-13T21:21:00.000-05:00

to an unsuspecting stranger across a room, down a hallway, or through a windshield, can literally change the world, forever. Even though it was pretty cool to begin with.

.... would you believe,

2007-01-26T00:50:00.000-05:00

that there is nothing about my life today, not even what hurts, that I won't eventually appreciate, with happy tears running down my face? Nothing. Chokes me up just thinking about it.

OK, can you keep a secret?

2007-01-25T00:47:00.000-05:00

Let me tell you what happens... There'll be trumpets, fanfare, and parades. Happy tears, giggles, and hugs. Shrieks of joy, fits of laughter, and reunions with best friends. There will be quiet, reflection, and revelations. Ah-ha's! No-way's! And, of course, You-have-to-be-kidding's!Eventually followed by a deep, often surprising, longing for what will by then be viewed as the dream-life you led. You could plot it on a chart. The point, of course, is that you are now living that dream-life.

.... We're not

2007-01-22T09:35:00.000-05:00

in the best shape now but things can be much worse. There's too much to do in too little time. I don't have time to be unhappy. Even if that's my stoic logical self taking control, it does tide me through the days. I'm the only one who can make me happy so I better not fuck up.

.... Not everyone's

2007-01-20T19:47:00.000-05:00

ready to open the throttle up all the way. Put the pedal to the metal. Skinny-dip into the sea of infinite possibilities. And that's perfectly all right. Because there's nothing I'm "supposed" to be doing with my life. No one is judged based upon how much turf they cover, how many mountains they climb, or how many deals they close. And because even one small drop from the sea, is as infinite as all of the oceans combined. Whatever my heart desires.

... It seemed like

2007-01-09T17:12:00.000-05:00

a good idea at the time, but who would have ever thought that the physical senses would be used to draw conclusions about where I'm headed, instead of simply taking notice of where I've been? Nope. The illusions that surround me today, have absolutely no relation to the illusions that will surround me tomorrow. Which barely hints at how unlimited I truly am. Yeah, way cool.

.... This is just

2007-01-08T11:12:00.000-05:00

my friendly, annual reminder, that things can change so very, very fast. Passport up to date? Shot card? Bank deposit slips in my possession at all times? I'm gonna love 2007

.... Haven't all the years,

2006-12-25T00:16:00.000-05:00

I've spent being Santa Claus, been more fun than all the years I spent waiting for Santa Claus? And not just for the joy I've helped place on my favorite faces, but for my ability to act instead of wait. Acting makes the suspense bearable. It gives me a starring role. Time passes more quickly. And best of all, it makes possible the dance of life as I network and mingle with other dancers. It's the same for my dreams. Act, don't wait.

.... Anger,

2006-12-14T20:08:00.000-05:00

is a fabulous reminder that there are still a few things being misunderstood. In all cases.

... The distance

2006-12-14T02:19:00.000-05:00

is not far, yet it might as well be the span of a galaxy.The time is not too long, what is an aeon to the age of the universe? Perhaps I can speed time up, hasten it from its agonizingly slow pace.Perhaps I can strain myself to parts unknown, just to catch a glimpse of you, however fleeting. Absence is said to make the heart grow fonder, yet if my heart yearns any more for the sight of you, I will explode. Insanity is a comforting friend, calming me at night and allowing me to face the day. The mighty structure is put on every morning, when I get out of the shower the barricade is up. No one can glimpse the hollowness in my eyes, the starving of my soul, the atrophy of my heart. But, at the end of the day, when the city sleepsaway, the hollowness returns. My shoulders loosen, crushed by an unseen force. Movement is difficult, likened more to the elderly instead of the young. The pain returneth, brining along with it despair and anguish. My nightly sojourn climaxes in the release from reality's tenuous grip. A fitful rest awaits me, met only with another dawn without you, another day without you, another night without you. Somewhere, on small mote of dust in the farthest reaches of the Cosmos, you are sleeping also. Do you dream of me often? Do you turn corners expecting to find me? Have you turned to ask me a question, then noticed that I am gone? Has your heart been torn asunder every time you do any task that we shared? Can you find solacein looking up at the night sky, in the same manner that I do, wondering if I am thinking about you under the same night sky somewhere? Do you feel me peering over your shoulder, as I so truly wish to do? I can only hope that in this vast and uncertain world, two people feel that bond which unites them like no other, through the distance and the time.

.... No one

2006-12-12T08:18:00.000-05:00

is ever at the mercy of their past, anymore than they're at the mercy of old family photo albums. Just "take more pictures" -

... Question

2006-12-12T01:53:00.000-05:00

Would you rather be a unicorn or a pegasus?
I'd rather fly than be stuck on the ground.

.... Had a conversation

2006-12-10T09:20:00.000-05:00

with Stephan about how it's getting harder to like new music, new films, new anything. But then I thought that life is a balance of likes and dislikes, meaning that if we start to find we like some things less, somewhere else there are other things we'll like more. It's just that we have to go find them, but that'll probably be part of the fun. I really hope it's that simple.

... I operate like

2006-12-09T11:30:00.000-05:00

an elevator most of the time, and respond pretty well to the drudgery of repetitive requests summoning me up or down. But sometimes there are people who know how to push my button, the fire-hydrant red one tucked out of the way. They press it just to hear the alarm and maybe bring me to a jarring halt. Normally I'll bite my lip and let it slide, but you surprised me yesterday.When my alarm button was pushed, you were the building superintendent barking into his microphone that's broadcasting to the whole lift. You warned off the alarm-raiser. And I didn't sound any bells. I didn't stop. Thank you.

.... To my love, who I adore

2006-12-08T22:06:00.000-05:00

whose phone number is still in my cell phone, though I no longer beg to call or give me a kiss. To all of you who I have tied to my heart, I release you now. Your screen name erased, no longer will I say Hello. I love you. I miss you or whatever I was feeling at that moment. Your number will be forgotten, and I will not ask you to call or text me anymore. To those who did not value my love. I will remove you from my life now, but I will never have the courage to say good-bye.

.... Always in love

2006-12-08T01:32:00.000-05:00

with the mystical past----hazy childhood recollections---memories of my town, against a background of golden, grassy, oak-dotted hills. The wind blowing through a coastal canyon, collecting the tangy fragrance of sage and chaparral, the crush of dry leaves in a creekbed---ancient caves in the hills, fern grottoes, the very ancient aroma of time itself.

.... I went over

2006-12-07T02:59:00.000-05:00

to watch you pack your luggage. You warned me that I'd have a heart attack watching you because you only pack last minute (in fact, you packed right up to when Tiffany arrived). I helped you fold shirts and water plants, while you flitted around packing excitedly (not frantically; there was a heady delirium in the way you packed which was contagious). It'll be two and a half years till we meet again, and this'll be the longest time we're separated since we've met. I kept naming things you should pack to remind you (and yet we missed out something). Still, I was astonished that your check-in luggage weighed in over 23kg. I accompanied you to the airport. It was the first of 5 times I'll be passing through the airport this month, and next week it'll be Crystal's turn to fly. On the way to the airport, you noticed my right eye had streaked red, and emptied out your toiletry kit to hunt for eye drops (but you didn't find it). We bantered over where to go for dinner and I jokingly threatened to eat at Mac's. We settled on Popeyes later, and ended up with food stuck in our teeth.I felt so secure in your presence that I didn't cry when you finally left for your flight. Instead, I wandered around searching for the parking lot and it was a while before I realized I should go down to arrival terminal. Can't wait to see you again. Be happy. Be safe.

... They went

2006-12-06T02:39:00.000-05:00

looking for me awhile back. They heard rumors I was headed out on my own. That I had returned to the jungles of time and space. That I wanted to prove once and for all that dreams do come true, thoughts become things, and that all is exactly as it should be. That the size of a dream has no bearing on its ability to come true. That abundance, health and harmony are one's default settings, and their attainment comes effortlessly when I invite them into my life with demonstrated expectation. They wanted to tell me they already knew this.
Oh heck,

.... Often,

2006-12-05T02:54:00.000-05:00

simply showing up is enough. Because the friends, abundance and health I now dream of possessing, have long been in place. Because the coincidences, surprises, and serendipities that will transform my life, already lie in wait for my passing. And because little else could speak louder of my belief in success, than physically putting myself in a position to receive.

Dear R,

2006-12-04T02:32:00.000-05:00

I need you. I love you. It's my own fault. Right now I have that wimpering lip thing going on and all I could wish for is to have you by my side. R---, I have to get out of here alive. I thought I was fine. but tonight I've been buried. All the romanticsm and emotions I feel for you are being sealed in an air tight bottle. If I throw it into the ocean maybe one day you'll find it and realize how deeply I cared for you. We might not have been bonded and obligated but I thought we were most definitly at the level where the truth is always told. Yeah, they say I'm naïve. But I thought I was romantic. I'll repeat, I thought I was romantic. And upon finding out that I'm always wrong about the things that matter most. Oh, can I tell you how much that kills a soul?

... I need

2006-12-03T02:07:00.000-05:00

some balance in my life, desperately. I'm losing control of my life, my focus and in the dead of the night, my insomniac self just suddenly switches into melancholic mode. Strange, peculiar, oh my life's going topsy- turvy. All the things which I used to feel passionate for seem to have lost their spark, oh please, someone help pull me up from this pitless ditch. My weak arms flailing, desperately in the gloom of night, calling for some anti- grativitational force.

... Hold on

2006-12-02T02:12:00.000-05:00

to the good memories. Live one day at a time. If you can see the sunset today, stand still for a few moments and behold its beauty. If you don't, then there will always be one tomorrow, or the day after. Even if it never comes before you breathe your last, there will always be that last sunset you watched to remind you of life's splendour.

.... I'm going to miss

2006-11-30T08:19:00.000-05:00

the slow times and quiet days. My anonymity, stealth, and small circle of friends. Plodding along at my own pace, working in spurts, and wondering where my next break will come from. Even my uncertainties, doubts, and fears will be missed. It just works like that once massive dreams start coming true.

.... I cry.

2006-11-29T08:41:00.000-05:00

I scream into pillows. I kick big rocks until I can't feel my toes. Then I try and understand. Which may or may not work... Finally I smile through the tears and remember all the amazingly beautiful moments and experiences and connections that were shared, and that will be shared on some level forever. And I think of that person fondly, knowing that while I grow apart, there was a time that we really DID know and understand each other. It gets easier with time - and that's the only way.

.... Sometimes

2006-11-28T02:23:00.000-05:00

it's easy to forget, that everyone's just on their way home. That you're all truly the best of friends. And that this whole crazy thing kind of started as a dare - to see who might love the deepest, no matter how lost the others became. Gosh, how you're missed.

... But

2006-11-24T09:26:00.000-05:00

I’m still no better at distancing myself from what I want, what I’d like, what I’d expect. I still hope for things that don’t happen. I still expect gestures which never happen, words which remain unsaid. I still get hurt.

... It's

2006-11-23T08:27:00.001-05:00

.... my birthday today. Halfway to ........ Will you still (half) need me? Will you still (half) feed me? Happy Birthday To Me!

.... I ask

2006-11-20T08:38:00.000-05:00

for a sign, evidence that you stir within my soul, that you conspire tirelessly on my behalf, and that all is exactly as it should be. Do you think I mean besides simply being alive at all? Things that make you go, "Hmmmmm..... "

.... What

2006-11-17T08:24:00.000-05:00

I secretly find amusing is precision. I'm tickled by the fact that, no matter how often I buy bagels from a certain store and eat it as I walk along, I will always reach the same rubbish bin at the time I finish eating to throw away the wrapper. Or maybe I should find it disconcerting that I need to save time and eat as I walk.

.... Actually,

2006-11-16T09:21:00.000-05:00

I find it sad that I tend to make short hit & run phone calls nowadays during lunchtime and while commuting to and from work. I hardly have time to communicate during work, so I need the short gaps inbetween to follow up with people. Sigh.

... I woke

2006-11-15T08:58:00.000-05:00

this morning to find a message from you. Complete silence for over 3 months and then when I least expect it, a short message to warn me where you'll be tonight, in case I happen to be at the same place. And I thought ....oh how considerate, and promptly deleted the message. I won't be there actually, because I hadn't planned to go. You're still referred to as You in this blog because you're the most recent You. So if we need to name you by following Serguei's trend of naming people after the first movie he's seen with them, you'll be Far from Heaven for me. But it makes sense in a strange way since Icarus fell from the skies didn't he?So have fun tonight Icarus. I won't be seeing you.

.... I was

2006-11-15T02:01:00.000-05:00

having coffee with Rachael when she started squinting at a sign in a shoe store just across from us. She read the words on it out loud.. "No food. No drinks. No pornography". Then I thought huh? and looked over at the sign too. I read: "No food. No drinks. No photography".So, yes, there is a limit to what lasik can do for your eyes ok?

.... Alex

2006-11-13T11:43:00.000-05:00

.... just asked me if I wanted to eat mooncake with bread for breakfast, somewhat like a mooncake sandwich. This is the same quirky friend who enthusiastically suggested ice-cream sandwich for breakfast too. I'm starting to think that anything + bread will be approved by him, as if bread makes everything else ok.

..... Once

2006-11-11T08:55:00.000-05:00

..... I've read in a women's magazine an article about breakups. An incident that struck me was about a girl who broke up with her DJ boyfriend. She wanted to cheer herself up by buying 10 CDs she liked, but she found herself walking around the CD shop clueless as to what kind of music she liked. She only knew what music her ex liked. Strangely, this story struck me as the ultimate horror story. I simply can't imagine losing my own identity to the extent of not knowing what music I like.

.... I love it

2006-11-10T08:07:00.000-05:00

when people say hello - I love finding out about the people behind the monitors. You are more than the pixels on my screen. I was just saying to Ali that far from being a purely technological thing, I think the web is massively human and social - I mean that I see the web as being a construction of the spaces between people just as much as the spaces between nodes.

..... Learned

2006-11-09T22:54:00.000-05:00

....a new word today: Diaspora. A dispersion of people from their original homeland.
****A word bound to many stories and heartbreak.

... Some people

2006-11-08T22:30:00.000-05:00

...... amaze me with their appetites. Alex is forever telling me he's hungry and describing his meals. I don't understand why he doesn't balloon at the rate he eats. I'm so green with envy. Hiaks.

..... Asked

2006-11-06T09:30:00.000-05:00

Steve for last minute dinner and movies last night, and he actually made it. I'm glad because it's been a while since we went to the movies together. I remember back when the four of us (Steve, Chris, Cyrstal and I) used to watch 11am movies together on Sunday mornings, and somehow we stopped doing this after watching That Thing You Do. Told Steve I wish there's an indicator then to alert me that that would be the last movie we all saw together. He thought I was crazy and was tempted to organize a movie outing for us four again just to prove me wrong. That'd be nice. :)

.... Steve

2006-11-05T00:11:00.000-05:00

told me I looked like I've lost the jackpot. I pretended to sleep in his car to and from lunch so I didn't need to make small talk.I jumped (something which I haven't done in months) but I couldn't concentrate. I keep phoning friends to talk to them but when I'm in their company, my mind wanders.....I guess I'm not really ok huh.

..... IF

2006-11-03T07:16:00.000-05:00

you say you'll do it, then DO it, dammit!!

.... I love

2006-11-02T07:49:00.000-05:00

...... the way Italian sounds - like portuguese spoken with a wine filled sponge in your mouth. I have a friend who used to be able to turn me to jelly by just reading out his shopping list in a squelchy, soft Italian accent. He was well aware of the effect this had - and I was more than willing to allow him to continue. Now listening to a recording of an italian festival I went to in Rome in 1997 and itching to sing along, get up and shake my bon-bon - and go back.
My favorite is Trem das Onze, written in the “spaghetti style” by Adorian Barbosa - sends shivers up my spine….” Non posso essere più di un minuto senza voi, il mio amore, ma non può essere” (rough translation: “I can’t be more than a minute without you, my love, but it cannot be…”)

.... Don't fall in love,

2006-11-01T09:18:00.000-05:00

whatever you do. Don’t let it gnaw at you until you feel like your chest has been turned inside out. Don’t let anyone tunnel inside your mind and infest your thoughts. Don’t let your heart rise at the memory, stomach rumble plaintively leaving you unable to tell the sensations apart. Don’t do it. Don’t fall in love. It all disappears. It will leave you worse than a hangover, more angry than a bruise, more aching and fragile than a fallen leaf.

..... For just a moment

2006-10-31T08:01:00.000-05:00

...... there, I thought that time was real, that space was deep, and that manipulating circumstances and messing with the "hows" was the way to manifest life changes!!
Talk about insanity! . . . Chaos! . . . Doom!
Whatever you do, on this spookiest day of the year and beyond, don't let it happen to you. Think, think, and let go.

....I've been thinking

2006-10-30T09:17:00.000-05:00

... about all sorts of things over the last few days, long and hard. And you know what? I give up playing this game. I just can’t do it any longer. I just know that "soon" will never happen. That sucks, first because I really love this guy, & second I miss him when he's not around me. But, I hate, hate begging and - HE'S TAKEN!!!

.... Just past

2006-10-29T05:51:00.000-05:00

....... midnight. I said you're the weirdest person I know and you said no! you know someone weirder, and whipped out your cell phone to call him. I squeaked that you can't call at this hour, but you just laughed and pressed your cell phone to my ear. I heard your friend's voice message: a fake indian accent imploring callers to leave their message. It was funny and we started giggling but hung up without leaving a word. And I thought you're never anything but spontaneous, and at that moment I envied you for that.

.... nearly a year ago,

2006-10-26T05:55:00.000-05:00

.... two people were walking round a winding exhibition in a museum in New York. One of them stopped to read a poem on the wall, and liked it so much she keyed it into her cell phone to remember.

This is how the poem goes:

"Give me a sharp knife
and as I cut the stars
cover the sky with a grey cloth
and tell the flowers I do not want perfume"

She remembers hoping that she won't be this way, and that she'll always want perfume.

Shhh

2006-10-11T07:55:00.000-05:00

These weeks are going to be quiet on the blogging front. Why? Because either a) I’ve lost the will to type b) I’ve got no hands or c) I’ve got too much to say. Hmmmm

..... sometimes

2006-10-10T07:55:00.000-05:00

..... I see traits in friends which I wish to inherit. If it boils down to one, I'll take Michael's rule of not wasting time. He doesn't believe in being wishy-washy or being bogged down by wishy-washy people. When people are conferring over making a decision, he'll gauge 3 lines into the conversation if it's going anywhere, and if it doesn't, he ends it. And everything moves swiftly on again.

...can't type because

2006-10-09T00:55:00.000-05:00

a) I have a glass of wine in my hand and
b) I’m grinning too much*

* Met someone. Seems really nice. Hmm. Internal monologue says be calm, don’t overwhelm, take things calmly. Instinct says “go for it!!” Hmm. Pesky internal monologue.

** Update: Both instinct and internal monologue are lying bastards.

.... I'm feeling

2006-10-08T01:52:00.000-05:00

.....massively disheartened at the moment - so many reasons, not enough words. Thinking about it, maybe that’s one of the reasons for being pissed off. No words. I just keep thinking “what’s the point?” I know, there doesn’t need to be a point. But there needs to be something to aim towards. These days, there’s not enough focus in my life and I feel that there’s nothing left for me.

.... there was only one

2006-10-05T08:05:00.000-05:00

..... message on my cell phone this morning, from an unknown number, and it sounded suspiciously like Stephen Hawking, saying “Que pasa chica?” and, er, that’s it. I’m mystified. Who was it?

.... I was just looking

2006-10-03T08:54:00.000-05:00

.... at a picture of a busy Rio de Janeiro street, and that got me thinking about Brasil. Just thinking about it, remembering the smells, the noise, the thin air and sharp sun, made my heart speed up, my knees give slightly, even sitting here in my desk chair. Lightheaded at the memory of being there.

..... a word

2006-09-29T03:36:00.000-05:00

...... I like: bricolage.

Ooh, speaking of words, last night I was trying to figure out what the longest single-syllable word is. Why? Who knows. Just one of those little things you do (while having a coffee con leche break during the brilliant but epically long Until the End of the World) I eventually came up with “strengths”. If you can do better, tell me. It’s bugging me.

... I've got a worrying

2006-09-28T07:17:00.000-05:00

.... habit of misreading things at the moment.
Reading an ad from a free rag that dropped through the door the other day, while the paper was upsidedown on the kitchen counter, it actually said
Get More Out Of Orlando
but I could have sworn it read
Get Out Of Orlando More
This morning, surfing a news site, I caught a glance of a headline which said
Banish Spam Forever
but I misread it as
Banish Sperm Forever

Is there a word for the art of misreading things?

..... I've been

2006-09-25T03:50:00.000-05:00

.... a bit of a broken record the last few days with my friends - developing a new advice mantra, which basically consists of saying:
You have control over your own life. Don’t like your job? Quit. Hate your house? Move. Unhappy in your relationship? Get out. Tired of lusting after someone from afar? Do something about it. Need a a day off? Take one. Sick of not seeing your friends? Make the effort. Stop whining. Stop whining. Stop acting as if you are a victim of circumstance. Do something. Do something. You are in control. You have the power to change your life. Take some responsibility for yourself.
Well, whatever gets you through.

.... I'd like to recommend

2006-09-25T01:08:00.000-05:00

..... instant beatification for the kind soul who gave the world Barnes & Noble. Hallelujah.

.... two things I want to do before I die

2006-09-21T08:12:00.000-05:00

1. Return to Bolivia. It’s about confronting old demons. I went back once, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, though everything was still so fresh, it was hard to be conscious of what I was doing or why I was doing it. Six years down the line, now I’m ready to go back again.

2.Do everything I can to live the fullest and best life I can. Enjoy my friends. Stress less over work. Spend more time doing the things I enjoy. Stress less over everything. Fall in love, repeatedly, or just once. Kiss until my lips burn. Laugh until I can’t breathe. Make it impossible to look back from my deathbed and say “if only…”

... why do i write?

2006-09-21T01:28:00.000-05:00

..... I write because I have to. I write because the words tumble up inside me like bubbles in a shaken bottle. I write because I can.

... had the most

2006-09-19T08:31:00.000-05:00

....... bizarre dream, though I can’t remember what about, and woke up crying. Come to think about it, I’m glad I can’t remember, now.

... I DO know

2006-09-08T09:05:00.000-05:00

...what to do when the rodeo of life throws me from my horse, and I find myself sitting in the dirt feeling lost and overwhelmed, distraught and helpless, while other thrown riders and do-gooders approach to commiserate. Get back in the saddle and ride on, as fast as I can.

.... I cannot imagine

2006-09-07T23:18:00.000-05:00

...you in this, my world, now. Time has stolen you from me and you cannot belong. I set off this morning to walk in the rain and by the door suddenly, pulling on shoes, I forgot how to breathe. These simple rituals, involuntary survival; because; in spite; whichever. Lungs pump rhythmically, keeping time, for me, regardless, relentless, a clock.

.... I really

2006-09-04T23:53:00.000-05:00

...... want to believe him, but deep down, I know I shouldn’t.

.....someone just told me

2006-09-03T23:28:00.000-05:00

....how nice my t-shirt is today, despite being soaking wet and so transparent. I’m not sure how to take this.

....weddings, wedding, weddings

2006-09-02T02:45:00.000-05:00

….how come all my friends (well, those who aren’t gay, cynical or already otherwise commited) seem to be getting married these days?

.... God is alive and

2006-08-31T07:49:00.000-05:00

well and definitely working in my life. He isn't drunk today like he was last Thursday.

.... Don't you hate

2006-08-24T08:08:00.000-05:00

DRAMA?!?!? I sure the hell do!!! Sometimes you just want to say f...... it!! ;)